I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
