one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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