I puked a lego.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
