You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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