Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
