someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
