Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
