i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
