He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
