my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
