it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
