where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
