she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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