What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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