Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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