Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
