there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
