Swine flu. Run for my life!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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