That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
