When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
