if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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