dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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