Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
