no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
