This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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