i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
