Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
