i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
