what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
