He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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