I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
