I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
as a side note pls kill me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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