My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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