wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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