No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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