I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
