I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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