I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
