you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
