When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i came on her dog
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
