Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
