I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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