you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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