...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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