His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
