I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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