no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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