the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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