Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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