please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
