How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
