Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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