The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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