i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
