no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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