Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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