My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
