DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
