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I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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